Driven by exceptionally well-meaning parents may become martyrs for the sake of your child, not even realizing it. Is this right and what could be the consequences?

Christina is constantly tired and sad, because I have to demonstrate the wonders of endurance, combining school, taking care of the family and all the rest. Her own life had stopped when the light appeared her son Sasha. The boy discovered an innate learning disabilities and behavioral disorders, and to fifteen years, he has become accustomed to the fact that he has little need. He does not need too much to try to get what you want.

His mother fared very differently. She worked tirelessly to her precious son did not have to string up once again, that it in no way had plenty. Christine helped his son get out of bed in the morning, doing homework instead, apologizing when he behaved badly at school, and served him a large part of what normal teenagers already know how to do on their own. It is not surprising that Christina exhausted and concerned (quite naturally, I must say) the future son - after Sasha expelled from school, he often found himself in the police and embarked on a very dangerous path.

What can you say in this situation: to be a martyr and to sacrifice everything for the sake of the child - not to be good or bad parent. This strategy is ineffective parenting just as prevents the child to master the skills relevant to each stage of development. If you're a mom-Martyr (fathers martyrs - a rarity) and do everything for the child, try to get out of this role and to teach the child to take responsibility.

Parents martyrs or just caring parents?

Parents martyrs - this is not the parents who simply do a lot for your child or with your child. Mom, who drove the son to the football, and then picks up her daughter from school - not a martyr. The father, who, instead of playing golf, goes with his son to a baseball game and after the game treats its pizza - not a martyr. The term "martyr" refers to the type of education, which has a number of specific characteristics.

Parents martyrs - who are they?

The parents of the martyred two main fear: that the child feels unable to do something and take a passive stance, or that the child will use to manipulate their behavior around. Parents martyrs are very worried that the child may feel physical or emotional discomfort in everyday life, so strongly protected him from the worries. It is the parents who are constantly worried that the baby will not self-assured, confident, and cultivating self-esteem of the child, they prevent the formation of his skills to overcome obstacles and solve complex problems.

How are the skills to overcome obstacles? Any obstacles harden the character, but it is not about the artificial obstacles created and controlled by their parents, but the really difficult situations: when a child can not go to your favorite sports or just to play football with my friends, because he has a lot of homework when he, instead of doing housework, busy playing video games, or violated the rules of the school or at home, and now has to prepare for the unpleasant consequences of their disobedience.

When a child is upset because of what you need to do too many lessons, and so you have to sacrifice a favorite pastime, the task of parents - to help him learn to plan lessons and manage time, so he did not depart from classmates (provided that they have the same capacity ). If a child violates the rules of the school, the task of parents - to help him learn from your mistakes, and do not relieve him from responsibility and the need to pay the bills.

For example, when a parent-martyr believes that the child is upset because of the large amount of homework, it will interfere with the school to ask less and less upset child. Or just doing lessons instead of the child. Of course, in some cases, teachers ask too much, and in the aggregate amount of homework to get really "unsupportable".

Yes, the modern children to school placing too high demands, but also in the life requirements are very high, so that children are competing not only with their peers, but also with the world. Parent-martyr feels it, but trying to solve this problem completely ineffective way - protecting it from the world and the difficulties of life in the twenty-first century.

Similarly, when the parents of a child misbehaves, they are trying to change the world of the child in the hope that the absence of stress factors will help to ensure the normal behavior of children. But remember, even if the child is well behaved and does not give parents any problems, it does not mean that he is ready to difficulties in adulthood.

When you are expecting a baby, the desire to ask questions - how much will weigh the child, whom he would like what he will be when he grows up (yes, many expectant mothers asking themselves even this issue) - as naturally as frequent urination . And while some prospective parents spend hours coming up with a name for the baby, the other all nine months of pregnancy suffer a single question: boy or girl?

Expectations and superstition

Regardless of whether we are willing to admit it or not, old wives' tales and superstitions have affected the minds of many, even the most enlightened future parents: if the abdomen of a woman "sharp" and sent forth, so it will have a boy. If the spherical belly protruding, and on the sides, it should prepare for the appearance of the girls. It is also believed that if a woman during pregnancy lost her looks, then she would have a girl, and if blossomed - boy. Another popular sign: if a pregnant pulls on sweet, so there will be a girl, if cold and salty - a boy. If a future pope during the second half of their pregnancy gained several kilograms, then you need to prepare for the appearance of the girls.

But, as is known to all parents, those cute superstition - nothing more than an excuse to laugh and brighten up the long months of waiting baby exciting game of "who we will be." But if you ask the parents to guess the future sex of the child, in seven cases out of ten of their guess is correct.

In addition, some of the parents strongly want (or feel greater affinity) is a boy or a girl. For example, some couples find that they are "more appropriate" (or are they better suited) to the girl they love creativity, music and art, not a sport, so the girl would fit into their family naturally. Other couples, whose childhood passed in the house, full of noise and hubbub of the boys can not imagine their life without the mischievous pranks, smeary zelenkoj knees, funny inventions and other An integral attribute of the boy. But we know that is not so simple when it comes to sex. In the end, all future parents dream of having a healthy baby, and so will he a boy or a girl - not so important.

But in the future, when it comes to education, gender of the child already has a value.

The role of the brain

For years, parents (and doctors) blamed in the brain differences between boys and girls. However, the "guilty" is not so much the structure of the brain as such as the sequence of development of the various regions of the brain. So, in 2007, American scientists was carried out large-scale study of brain development and intelligence in children, which showed that the trajectory of brain development for girls and boys are not the same.

What does it mean? In short, this result can be explained as follows: if to teach the same subjects boys and girls equally, girls are likely to think, "The geometry of the complex," and will count the boys: "Painting and literature - for girls." Lack of understanding of gender differences in teaching may have undesirable consequences in terms of strengthening gender stereotypes. This is one reason why it is important to understand that the brain is functioning men and women differently.

It is believed that the boys grasp new information more slowly than girls (this is also blamed for the brain). But the researchers found that, although the development of the regions of the brain responsible for language development and fine motor skills, the girls of six years ahead of boys on the development of brain regions involved in the planning and spatial memory, they lag behind boys about four years.

But it is not only about the brain: sex differences are very real, and may require different education, different rules and methods .  Girls tend to be more emotional and sensitive, while boys prefer to act .  According to child psychologists, parents need to be more cautious in this stereotype .  It is believed that boys grow faster, faster, gain experience (it is not), so they are subject to more stringent requirements .  But even the most self-boy needs to adults to teach him how to behave, to set boundaries of behavior and created a clear structure - only then he will feel protected .  This is particularly important given that boys, unlike girls respond better to actions and deeds .  They are more or less do they say they make the sounds associated with the action .  They buy a comic book characters figurines .  They play active games .  Girls also are more receptive to the word, they communicate with ease, making new acquaintances, and all thanks to early acquired verbal skills that allow them to better and faster to fit into the school team .

Psychologists point out that the school boys have a harder time because they are more difficult to concentrate on the job than girls. Due to the increased mobility and activity of the boys often get into trouble, the more quiet girl. If you have a boy, remember the good old phrase "actions speak louder than words," and apply it to communicate with the child. Play with him in the game structure, build houses out of blocks, to teach him to order and discipline.

In addition to the biological and social dynamics between boys and girls there are physical differences are obvious even at first sight: height, weight, facial features and body type. All these features affect the selected parent parenting practices.

Although the exterior itself does not affect the fact with whom the child relates itself - with the boys or girls, he is inclined to identify with role models of the same sex, in particular with the father or mother, and educators. So already in kindergartens, children begin to accept the values ​​of their families and society. In our society, girls are less correspond to gender stereotypes; often can be a girl playing with toy cars than the boy who plays with dolls.

Gender differences

Why is this so important? Psychologists explain: biological differences are far less significant than most parents believe. A child of two years, most gender differences - not innate, but acquired. Children are like sponges absorbing the information you receive both verbally and non-verbally, to the crazy pace of modern life affects the formation of their personality. So when they say that girls often say what they are beautiful, and the boys are allowed to be more aggressive in children formed judgments about what it means to be a "girl" or "boy".

Well, when parents understand the typical differences between boys and girls, but more importantly, that they are perceived not as a baby boy or girl, you have a set of gender-sensitive, but above all as a person. The challenge of today's parents - to understand how a social pressure faced by a child and to do everything possible to reduce this adverse pressure.

The best method of raising a child Raising a child: who will win? Regardless of gender - always be involved in his life, to encourage a frank and honest communication, not to judge and to hide the truth.

Impressions parents

Not all parents know from their own experience than the education of boys is different from the education of girls. What parents say:

"My daughter, Tanya, is very active, as well as her older brother George. But it is much more emotional. She always uses the language, even when crying, laughing, shouting, capricious, or simply express their emotions. "

"My son Kolya - restless boy, very curious. He just can not sit still, unlike her older sister Ali. If you leave it unattended even for a minute or two, it could have catastrophic consequences. "

"I think the main thing in the upbringing of children of different sexes - will never forget that we, the parents should see in them the person ... bring them up in different ways, but with the same affection and rigor, with the same requirements, paying particular attention to their individual needs. "

"I recognize that boys and girls are different in nature, but every child is different. My sons are very different from each other in many ways, and therefore they need to be different to educate. My daughter still quite a pipsqueak, so I still can not say anything about the education of girls, but yesterday in the store, she burst into tears and could not calm down until I gave her a dress to the nearest shelf. Hopefully, it does not mean anything "

"I do not think that boys and girls should be educated differently. I have a son and daughter, and I plant them the same principles and values, they have the same rules of conduct and penalties for violations. "

"Before I had children, I spent a lot of time with his niece. She could sit for hours on the floor and play with dolls. If we go outside, it is well behaved. Now I have my mother, my two sons. They - the complete opposite of my niece. They do not go - they run. As a rule, they can not play safely, always pushing and fall. Boys inherently more active and hardy. I had to learn not to take their inherent nature as a personal affront and a challenge, and guide their behavior in a peaceful course. I do not come in horror when I see them play in the dirt. About jumping and climbing at any elevation, I have said nothing. "

"I think it is important to see the child's strengths and cultivate them, regardless of the pressure from peers or society ... Nowadays it is very difficult to educate children of different sexes so as to develop their individual capacities and not squeeze them into the framework imposed by society."

"I truly believe that every child - this is a person that has its own interests. The only significant difference I noticed between her daughter and son - their activity and energy. We called our three year old son "Energizer bunny," because it does not stop. What can I advise parents of the boys? First of all, teach them not to go on about the stereotypes, teach them to clean, wash and cook. The girls need to cultivate independence and strength of character. "